Breaking News! Marty Rathbun abducted by aliens and returns with sensational evidence of something or other.

INGLESIDE ON THE BAY, TEXAS: In an alarming new development, first-hand witnesses report that Mark “Marty” Rathbun, who claims to be a prophet, seer, legal mastermind, and all-round smart guy, was abducted by an alien spacecraft at approximately 11 AM Saturday near his home in Ingleside on the Bay, Texas.

Equally alarming, Mr. Rathbun apparently was re-deposited back near his home approximately 24 hours later, and ran naked except for a tin-foil beret (courtesy of the aliens, Rathbun said) down the street and back into his house before answering questions from the waiting crowd of reporters.

Asked about the abduction, witness Cletus “Duct-tape” Pennington told reporters, “There was a big flash of white light and then…Shazaam! He wasn’t there no more!

Having conducted an all night vigil by candlelight, Mr. Pennington and Rathbun’s other friend, a Mr. Michael Rinder, were delighted to see Rathbun running back home after such a short absence. “Here he comes back again, just like last time,” Pennington said. “You just cain’t keep a good man down. Shit howdy!

Armed with a handful of papers that Rathbun claimed were evidence of Alien interference with US law-enforcement agencies (but looked suspiciously like Filet-O-Fish sandwich wrappers,) Rathbun pivoted on his veranda and yelled at reporters that he was “going to blow the lid off the whole conspiracy to GET me!”

Reporters, kept at a distance by a sign at the edge of Rathbun’s rented property that reads “reporters and other spies KEEP OUT” over a crudely-painted skull and crossbones, were unable to question Rathbun closely.

Now cloaked in a bathrobe, and still wearing the tin beret, Rathbun re-emerged from his house and shouted to reporters, “This goes to the very TOP! They’re ALL out to get me, and I have PROOF!!”

But although reporters asked to see the proof, Rathbun insisted he would only show the “proof” after the President personally promised to tell the aliens to stop their brain examinations of Rathbun and “others similarly situated.”

In related news, we are happy to report that earlier unconfirmed reports of Mr. Rathbun’s spontaneous combustion have now been proved clearly false.